Birthday Blues anyone?

No matter how hard I try every year is the same. My world comes crashing down around me on my birthday. When does the excitement of birthdays turn to dread?

At 46 I can tell you it’s not my age per se as I have felt like this for years. It’s just a big frigging lump of loneliness and lack of achievement or some crazy idea of what I should have achieved. There is a constant  battle with me pretending it’s “just another day and doesn’t matter” to the other extreme  “I want to be spoilt and made to feel really special!!!!”Which is a problem because  when asked about what I want to do on my day’, I  normally respond, “I don’t want to do anything” I am lying.  I might mean nothing?  I might mean a big party? All I can tell you is everything is wrong. I feel sad, I feel embarrassed,  and I feel F- ing miserable.  But I do have 3 amazing kids and I don’t want them to think “can’t do anything to please mum” I had that for years with my own mum. So this year I am fighting the blues

I decided to arrange a night out. I was decisive with it… another thing I do is ‘um and ar”-  Then nothing happens or something I really don’t want to do.  Not this year.  “Bongo Bingo is doing a charity night on 20th Jan. Who wants to come for my birthday, going to book tickets” I booked the tickets on that day, money went to charity and nothing else was said about it. None of this ‘oh maybe I should or maybe I shouldn’t’. Guilt guilt guilt because why would anyone want to celebrate my birthday. Everyone is so busy! But I had a great night and so didi the others. DONE.  I have celebrated my birthday!

Not quite a lot can happen in 9 days…A few days before  I felt those feelings creep in. Feeling of work, body, image, money, friendships,future past… just everything.   I thought how the morning of my birthday is the worst.  It just feels like everything is wrong whilst pretending to smile. This whole feeling of  ‘nothing has changed’ and ‘is this what I am meant to be doing?’ ( This is not me being ungrateful for all I have but just that ugly  inner voice that fills me with doubt)

I am not a control freak but I decided with this is mind this year I needed to take charge

what the kids made…

so I didn’t feel the way I do every year. I bought a waffle maker – we would have waffles for breakfast! Hubby made them and kids set the birthday table. I bought myself new pjs I would wake up feeling special and I told everyone it was my birthday.

This completely worked. This simple action changed the whole narrative of the day. It was new , fresh and exciting. I didn’t feel here I am again and nothing has changed because I had new pjs on so things were different.  Friends, school mum’s wished me happy birthday and I felt this is good and how it should be.

If like me you never celebrate your birthday and hate how you feel on your day then I urge you to take charge and change the pattern. By all means be reflective but try and find something great to smile about.  Because if you are lucky enough you will get another birthday next year, then the next year , then the next year…